Added: Rachna Seger - Date: 17.07.2021 14:31 - Views: 40849 - Clicks: 6635
If we come to the bargaining table expecting to compromise in relationships, we'll walk away a loser almost every time. That's because when we expect to compromise, we rarely use our imagination or go after what makes us happiest in the relationship. Nor do we ever reach a real understanding of each other and unearth what our partner truly values or what is underneath a need, desire, or goal.
If we assume that we already know what our partner wants or that they know what we want, communication is already muddied. Or if we already believe that relationships are just about keeping the peace or that there is no way for both of us to be happy, then compromise will be a part of our lives—because what we believe is what we create. We tend to re ourselves to compromise in marriage or relationships—not because it's necessary or effective but because we've been conditioned to believe that it's necessary or helpful.
Compromise is only necessary when we don't exert the effort to truly understand ourselves and each other. It is a lazy way of interacting. We've learned to get our needs met indirectly and to trade our own happiness for another's happiness. Instead of going to bat for a dynamic solution that far exceeds what we can possibly imagine individually, we've learned to compromise.
But when we give up ourselves for another's wishes, it backfires every time. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship or marriage when they have to give up their dreams, desires, and happiness? In a Time article, "Recipe for a Happy Marriage: the Seven Scientific Secrets," Eric Barker states some research that shows that married couples should keep a ratio of positive to negative interactions.
When both partners in a relationship make happiness their own responsibility and both commit to listen to the needs and desires of each other, this ratio is achievable. However, if you expect your partner to make you happy or if you don't support your partner's fulfillment, this ratio will get off balance.
So remember, for every snarky comment, you'll need to counter it with five positives! Two strong individuals with a healthy self-esteem create the most successful relationships. They can be dramatically different in every way, but these couples have a knack for championing what is important to each other. Instead of settling on a compromise that will disappoint them both, they look for ways for both of them to be happy, even thrilled.
Having limits to create within actually stimulates us to solve the problem in new ways. And if we go a step further and choose to see unlimited possibility, our creativity goes into overdrive and we find amazing solutions we didn't ly understand were possible. When we look for and commit to win-win solutions rather than settling for compromise, we discover some very creative ways to move from conflict to understanding, from competing to a synergy that creates novel solutions. This new attitude greatly enhances a relationship. Compromise in marriage is unnecessary when we love ourselves enough to give voice to our needs and desires while also caring for our partner's happiness, too.
There was a time in my marriage when we were raising three small children and our budget was extremely tight. Due to financial constraints, we chose to go out only once a month. We were trying to plan for our next date within a specified budget ; my husband really wanted to go to a particular movie, but I wanted to go to my favorite restaurant for a gourmet meal.
If we had compromised, either we would have gone to his movie and I would have had to cook dinner as usual—and been resentful OR I would have had a nice dinner out and he would have missed his movie—and possibly been resentful. And would he have thoroughly enjoyed the movie, knowing I was unhappy? Or would I have thoroughly enjoyed the gourmet meal, knowing he wasn't happy?
How would that compromise have helped us build a successful, enduring marriage? It took a bit of talking, but we figured out a solution. Since I really only wanted a night off from cooking, my husband volunteered to grill my favorite meal; we spent some quality time with our children, and then we went to a later showing of the movie he wanted to see—not just a win-win but a win-win-win solution! When my husband and I talked more about this new way of seeing things, a whole new concept unfolded for us. We found that there is always a way to express our love and stay connected while creating a win for us both.
A light bulb went off: if our attention focused on creating more closeness and love in our relationship, a solution would reveal itself and allow us to shift more easily to generating a win-win solution. The more we practiced, the easier it became, until compromise disappeared from our vocabulary and our decisions. Below are some easy yet effective keys to creating win-win solutions and eliminating the need to compromise. Remember: neither partner goes along with an idea until they are both truly happy.
This process takes commitment and requires transparency and honesty. The big payoff is a relationship that keeps getting sweeter instead of souring on the vine. Compromise may not be for wine, but it's not for marriage either!
Take compromise out of your vocabulary and start creating more fun. When a relationship moves from "me" to "we" in a loving and synergistic way, it forms a strong foundation of love and caring. The quality of our love life and relationship is up to us. Try these keys and discover a new and wonderful way of interacting that moves you from compromise to lasting happiness. If you'd like a customized plan and additional support to create a thriving relationship, check out Heartmanity's premarital and marriage coaching programs.
Jennifer A. She coaches individuals, parents, and couples to build healthy and loving families. Jennifer has been conducting premarital workshops and mentoring couples for nearly two decades. She teaches couples the critical skills needed to break out of unloving patterns, which naturally removes the obstacles to loving connection and authentic communication.
With an emphasis on emotional intelligence and brain science, her proven process accelerates transformation. She also conducts Heal Yourself, Heal Your Marriage retreats because she believes that all healthy relationships begin within each person. Jennifer is happily married to her beloved husband and is the mother of three grown children. Posted in Love, Marriage, and Relationships.
In one article I read online, the author said, "Compromise—no matter how difficult—is a necessary part of any successful, enduring marriage. So what if afterward we're resentful, discouraged, disappointed, frustrated, and disillusioned? Get over it. Compromise is just part of the deal. I emphatically disagree. Not only is compromise NOT a recipe for success in relationships, but compromise is exactly why so many marriages fail. It's true that we are all very different and that conflict often occurs because of these differences.
That's not going to change—we will always be unique. However, honoring differences and learning to explore what's important to each other is part of what makes a relationship so rich, exciting, and surprising—and that's what makes compromise so unappealing.
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